Saiz it ain't so

"Okay, let me see if I've got this straight: Manolo Saiz is said to have been found in possession of 60,000 euros worth of mixed currencies and a 'cold bag' containing four packets of a no-no called Synacthene, and five months later the UCI Licenses Commission hands him a ProTour ticket, leaving him with a fat grin and a double fistful of Alexandre Vinokourov's chamois with a downhill pull?

Venga, venga, venga, baby. You just can't make this stuff up.

What does a guy have to do to get in trouble in this sport (if he's not actually riding a bicycle, that is)? Get caught with whiskey on your breath and your pants around your ankles in a ragtop Cadillac full of naked teen-agers parked next to a fire hydrant outside an adult theater?

Nah. For that they sentence you to six terms in Congress.

At least America's governing body has developed a strict accountability protocol since the Republicans seized control of all three branches of government: Whatever the problem, it is Bill Clinton's fault.

In contrast, after handing Saiz his meal ticket, the UCI vomited up a hairball of a statement saying it 'regrets the circumstances' for the commission's decision, 'which is undoubtedly correct in legal terms,' then tried to pin it on 'a lack of information on the part of the Spanish authorities,' 'the highly confusing general context of Operacion Puerto' and Lance Armstrong, 'who is spending an inordinate amount of time running around shirtless with Matthew McConaughey, n'est-ce pas?' Okay, so I made that last bit up, but you gotta admit, it is kinda weird. And anyway, after spending the summer screeching about axes falling, heads rolling and various asses being handed to their owners in no uncertain terms, these self-styled crusaders are backpedaling faster than a stoner on a stolen road bike who can't figure out why the coaster brakes aren't working.

The UCI also trumpeted that it would 'take every measure that it thinks necessary to protect the interests of cycling, especially concerning disciplinary procedures against any implicated individuals.' This may include but is not limited to lighting candles at Notre-Dame-des-Cyclistes and asking the Madonna del Ghisallo to jam a heavenly frame pump full of righteous lightning into the spokes of all these godless dope fiends.

These boneheads are rapidly placing themselves beyond the reach of mere satire, rocketing toward the magical universe of the Weekly World News, the fabled supermarket show-shopper wherein all things are possible."

By: Patrick O'grady
velonews Oct. 31 2006

"If someone calls me up and says their toaster is talking to them, I don't refer them to professional help, I say, ‘Put the toaster on the phone.'"
-Sal Ivon, former manager of the Weekly World News